


The Smell of You

by Papillon87



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dorms, Emotional Manipulation, Hurt/Comfort, If you squint you will see Myungjin, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, It's still soft thou, Lee Dongmin | Cha Eunwoo/Moon Bin Fluff, M/M, Mutal Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-05-31 04:35:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15111917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Papillon87/pseuds/Papillon87
Summary: "You don’t know me, not the real me.”Dongmin flinches, horrified, “Binnie, don’t say that! I know you, you’re my best friend!”“No, you don’t. I lied to you.”“What are you talking about?” There is a note of cautiousness in Dongmin’s voice.“The kiss. I kissed someone else.”Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual characters and events is purely coincidental.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all,
> 
> This is my first fic, enjoy!
> 
> Thank you to my dear friend @Existential_forest for encouraging me to publish it xx

Dongmin is tired to death.

It takes him several tries to fit his key in the lock but, at last, he pushes the door open. The dorm is dark, the quiet hum of the refrigerator and Rocky’s snoring behind the closed bedroom door the only sounds punctuating the silence.

He drops the bag on the floor and takes off his shoes. Trying to make as little noise as possible, he pads softly to the kitchen and gulps down a glass of water.

The clock on the microwave reads 2:47am.

Dongmin tries not to think about how many hours of sleep does he have left tonight; it’s too depressing.  The filming today went fine but the tiredness engulfing him right now has the power to negate any thrill he had felt on the set earlier.

On autopilot, head dizzy and eyes half falling shut already, his feet head towards the bedroom. Bin will be probably asleep by now. Or maybe not. A light flutter in his stomach, barely noticeable, grows stronger as he grips the door handle.

Then it hits him.

In his befuddled, tired brain he forgot they don’t room together anymore.

He swallows hard and ignores the sudden cold, tight feeling in his chest. Two months ago they moved to a new dorm. It is bigger than the old one, with three bedrooms, one to sleep three, one for two and a small room for one, barely more than a box room - but a room for one, an exciting prospect after more than two years of virtually no private space for any of them. There was a lot of speculation about the sleeping arrangements in the weeks leading to the move but Jinjin refused to be engaged in a conversation about it.

“All will be sorted out, don’t worry.”

He was true to his word. On the last day in their old place, Jinjin, their level-headed leader, pulled out their tattered box of board games after they all gathered in the living room for the last time, suitcases and boxes packed already. 

“Before we go, we are going to play. Snakes and ladders,“ he grinned a little at their confused faces. “The winner gets the single room, the second and third place will share the double room, the rest is in the biggest bedroom. I figured this way there won’t be any moaning afterwards.”

Bin’s eyes met Dongmin’s across the table, just for a second, narrowing a little as he flashed him a secret smile. Don’t win.

Dongmin didn’t want to win.

For a while, everything looked hopeful. The game was almost finished, with MJ in the lead, Dongmin following closely with Bin right behind him, the other one biting his bottom lip, eyes glued to the board.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that some board games require certain level of skill, good strategic thinking and a plan. Chess is one of them. Dongmin is reasonably good at chess. He could have been very good indeed, in middle school he would often play at break times with couple of other nerdy boys who were all powerful opponents. Now he doesn’t play anymore. Other members point blank refuse because he beats them way too easily, MJ being the only exception, but they both haven’t played for a long time; there is simply no time.

On the other hand, snakes and ladders, as everyone knows, can be played even by toddlers. The only requirement for a win is sheer luck.

And the aforementioned luck deserts them in the last round. MJ slides down the snake, Dongmin rolls a six and that’s how their little counters cross the finish line: Dongmin in the lead, pretending he is excited, Bin right after him, barely able to hide his annoyance and Jinjin in the third place, grinning beatifically, probably at the thought of escaping Sanha’s screeching every night.

………………

Dongmin opens the door to his room. If he bothered to switch on the light, he would be greeted by bare walls and two removal boxes still in the corner. He hasn’t really bothered to unpack or decorate yet. What for? 

The bedroom feels empty, lonely, it doesn’t feel like home. It doesn’t smell like home. It’s Bin’s smell that’s missing, his giggly laugh at silly videos that he likes to watch, his breathing in the night, even his sweaty training clothes scattered on the floor.

It’s not like he never enters Dongmin’s room, he sits here often enough, they talk and laugh and share jokes but there is that awkward moment every night when Bin gets up - I’d better go – and Dongmin’s throat goes dry and he wants to say, please stay, but the shyness clamps his mouth shut.

In the past they didn’t need to justify to anybody how much time they spent together, what they were talking about behind the closed door of their little room, whether they fell asleep together in Dongmin’s bunk after one of Bin’s nightmares he sometimes gets. Now, on the other hand, without the privacy of their own room, they feel too exposed, too visible. Maybe it’s just them imagining things, maybe the other members don’t really care; they don’t know but suddenly they both act as if they were being watched. No words are exchanged, no explanations given, the sudden change just creeps into the way they act around each other and it looks like it’s there to stay.

Dongmin sighs and drops on the bed, hating the silence.

Right now though, it’s not the time to contemplate in detail how he feels amongst the four white walls, in the privacy of his own space for the first time in years, and yet lonely. Alone without Bin every night.

Right now it’s time to locate the PJs under his pillow, change as quickly as can be and burrow under the covers.

There is no bigger blessing in the life of an idol than sleep. It’s a precious commodity, always in very short supply. Not wanting to waste a single second, even forgoing brushing his teeth or washing his face tonight– the travesty! - Dongmin curls up in a ball and feels his muscles relax. The bed seems to be spinning with him; it’s that peak of exhaustion, a feeling of being drunk without the benefits of a good night out.

In the darkness he gives in to the pleasant heaviness spreading through his body. This has been his favourite part of the day for the last two months. In the darkness, with everyone else asleep, he can retreat into his own head and dream of being back with Bin, back together in their little bedroom, listening to his breathing in the night, inhaling his smell that he can’t even describe anymore, it’s just Bin.

Bin’s smell.

He can smell him right now with absolute clarity, he can almost feel him in the room; he groans and rolls over, freezing momentarily as he spots a dark silhouette standing on the doorstep.

“Shit, you scared me!”

Bin hovers in the door, shuffling his feet awkwardly, “Can I come in?”

“Of course.” Too exhausted to move, Dongmin scoots closer to the wall and pats the bed wearily.

Instead of sitting down, Bin slides into bed next to him and lies on his back, staring at the ceiling.

“You ok, Binne?”

“I don’t know.” Bin doesn’t look at him, his voice flat, expressionless.

“Can’t sleep?”

“No.”

His antennae go up immediately. Bin might have nightmares sometimes but insomnia is Lee Dongmin territory.

“What’s wrong?”

The silence that follows is so long that he starts drifting off before Bin speaks up again.

“I feel so lonely. Everything is shit. I hate my life.” In a heartbeat Dongmin is wide awake, eyeing the unhappy face next to him.

He knows Bin sacrificed the most for their dream, almost half of his life. All the things he missed, the years of ordinary childhood he never had - it’s very hard for Dongmin to even contemplate how his best friend must be feeling now when he apparently hates his whole existence, with nothing else to go back to.

“What are you saying? Please don’t say that. What’s wrong? The comeback is so close, it’s gonna be great. YOU are gonna be great.” He has no idea what to say, he hates his incoherent rambling but this sudden revelation caught him completely unawares.

“What is it worth though? We have nothing!” The bitterness in Bin’s voice shocks him to the core.

“But we will, we just need to work that little bit harder for a bit longer. We’ll be rich and famous,” he nudges him gently, a lame attempt at joking, “you’ll see.”

The irony of selling the beauty of the life as an idol to Bin, to Bin out of all people, – and him doing it - makes him cringe inside. But I am probably the right person for the job, he thinks bitterly. It’s the pep talk he used to give to his exhausted and constantly hungry self countless times, locked in the bathroom, hugging his knees and crying, in the early days pre-debut or in the first months after they debuted, when every day was a struggle, when every day he was told he wasn’t good enough, that a pretty face wasn’t everything, that he needed to practice more, to eat less and everyone around him seemed to be progressing so much quicker. He perfected his pep talk and it must have worked because he is still here. Or maybe it never was about the pep talk in the first place. Maybe it was about somebody, one friend, who was always there for him.

Bin would often come and insisted to be let in. He wasn’t fooled by his excuses of a stomach ache like the others. Or perhaps he was the only one who cared enough to be sitting on the other side of the door for half an hour, patiently waiting until Dongmin caved in, unlocked the bathroom and let him slide inside, sinking down on the cold tiles and wrapping both arms around him like hedges against the darkness spreading in his head.

Dongmin remembers those nights very well but today, it seems, their roles have been reversed.

Bin keeps staring at the ceiling, his profile still, unmoving, like a beautiful figurehead on an ancient vessel. “Seriously, what do we have, Min? Arohas love us but do they really know who we are, the real us?”

Dongmin touches his arm gently. “They love us, they would do anything for us.” The words feel scripted the moment he says them, insincere, as if he was reading them off a cue card.

“Would they really? I know we should be grateful for all their love and support, and I really am, we wouldn’t be where we are without them but… I don’t want thousands of fans, I want somebody to kiss me. I want somebody to hold me when I go to sleep.”

It’s the sad longing in Bin’s voice that stops any response he had ready. There is nothing to be said to the nail Bin just hit on the head.

Idols lead lonely lives in a way. For all the camaraderie there is in the dorm, there is precious little time and space for love. Sex, maybe, a quick and hurried affair at parties during festivals and concerts where all groups mingle, but a true relationship takes time and requires effort, and there are only so many hours in a day of an idol. Unless you’re together with a fellow member. The thought makes Dongmin’s mouth go dry, his mind wandering, distracting him to the point of his brain-to-mouth filter completely switching off.

“I can do that.”

The moment he says them he knows the words have come out wrong. Blind panic grips him for a second. _Did I just tell Bin I would kiss him??_

“I can hold you,“ he amends hastily.

Fortunately, Bin is too deep in his misery to notice his slip up.

“That’s the thing though, you can’t. You’re not there anymore. We had it so good and we didn’t even realise. The way we could do whatever we wanted, we could close the door and no one would be butting in. You are my best friend, I miss having you around. Jinjin is great but…”

Dongmin hums sleepily, only half listening to Bin’s voice, not because he is bored but he is getting dangerously distracted. Bin has turned suddenly and nudged his way right up to him, his breath warming Dongmin’s cheek and it’s all getting a little too much. Bin is blissfully unaware of what his closeness is doing to Dongmin and carries on talking.

“You know, in Almaty? It was so amazing because we were together again. We were just talking for hours before going to sleep.”

The two of them shared a room during their recent trip to Kazakhstan. “Well, you were talking, I fell asleep,” he smiles.

“I didn’t care you fell asleep. You were there.” Bin wraps both his arms around him and pulls him closer. It feels so good. Dongmin’s eyes are closing, transporting him back to the hotel room they shared a week earlier.

The memory of Bin complaining in the dark that he needed to shout across the room from one bed to another, before letting out a frustrated sigh, getting up and climbing into his bed as if it was the most natural thing in the world, as if he belonged there. Being lulled to sleep with Bin holding him and whispering silly things into his hair, showing him things on his phone he didn’t care about but it didn’t really matter. It was nice to just be. Together.

Next to him Bin sighs, a heavy, weary sound, muffled by Dongmin’s hair. “But we could have done so many other things and we never did and now it’s too late.

“What? What could we have done?”

“Nothing, just… You know, the performance in Almaty?”

“You’re becoming a bit repetitive with Almaty,” he teases him a little, trying to lighten up the mood. “What about it?” He has given up on sleep now, his head dizzy with exhaustion but with Bin holding him in his arms it doesn’t really matter. There is nowhere to fall.

“When we were on stage I saw a girl in the audience.”

“And?” His body goes tense in Bin’s embrace, the temperature in the room drops. He doesn’t like the sound of it. He doesn’t like the sound of Bin’s voice gone all dreamy, talking about a random girl.

“She was there with her boyfriend.” The sense of relief is so palpable, he is ashamed of himself. _You’re pathetic._

“I could tell he didn’t give a damn about us, he came because of her. She was squealing, jumping up and down and chanting – and he spent most of the time staring at her and hugging her. And they kissed. They kissed like there was nobody around."

Bin pauses for a heartbeat. “I want that too. I want something real. Can you kiss me?”

The shock renders him momentarily speechless.

“What? You must be joking!” The darkness is merciful, it covers his burning cheeks.

“No, I mean it. Pleeease?” Bin knows the power of his pout. Amplified by his closeness, it is scary how easily Dongmin wants to give in. With his willpower in absolute tatters he pushes Bin away, just about.

“No! Get off! And anyway, why?”

“Because I don’t even remember how it feels like to have somebody kissing me?” There is regret in Bin’s voice, and something else Dongmin doesn’t dare to name. “And because you’re my best friend and I hoped you wouldn’t freak out if I asked you.”

He feels very much freaked out but does his best not to show it. It also hurts. Bin’s words are nailing him to the cross because Bin only wants to kiss him out of loneliness. If Dongmin kisses him back it will be out of love. And Bin mustn’t find out. Unrequited love is hard. Unrequited love for your best friend who probably likes girls anyway is torture. He doesn’t need the humiliation of being found out and Bin’s pity to add to the unbalanced equation of their relationship.

“Have you ever kissed anybody?” He tries his best to sound casual and almost succeeds.

“Yeah. She was a fellow trainee at Fantagio. I was nearly fifteen. I don’t really remember how it felt like anymore,” the sadness in his words breaks Dongmin’s heart.

His own heart is not faring much better. Of course Bin would have kissed somebody by now. And of course it was a girl. There is a sudden lump in his throat and Dongmin feels himself retreating into his head, into his safe space where nobody gets hurt. The next question, however, jolts him back awake.

“What about you? Have you kissed somebody?”

“Of course I did,” he scoffs.

“Family and kindergarten kisses don’t count, you know, “ Bin’s grin lights up his face and Dongmin has to look away.

“Well… I kissed you. The stupid paper game.” He feels his cheeks burning.

Silence. Then Bin’s whisper, barely audible.

“Can you kiss me for real?”

There are moments in everybody’s life when the time stops. The slow motion section of the movie. Dongmin’s life has screeched to a halt right now. He grips the blanket so hard, his fingernails are digging into his palms even through the fabric.

He wants to kiss Bin, oh, he does. He never wanted anything more badly than that. The fear is stalling his answer though. The fear that by kissing Bin he will rip open the seal on his heart and the love that he was trying so hard to hide will pour out, right in front of his best friend, and ruin what they have now.

“Please?” Bin nuzzles against his neck, sounding almost embarrassed.

All of a sudden, something snaps in him. Sod all resolutions.

“Ok.”

Bin looks up, his eyes huge and dark, the anticipation lacing his feline features with something so irresistible that Dongmin regrets his answer in an instant. It’s too late though, that one word has set things in motion in him that he has no control over anymore.

Or maybe he doesn’t want to be in control at all.

He pushes Bin onto his back and pauses for a moment, taking in the other’s face underneath him and prays his own face is not an open book to Bin right now; he certainly feels like his whole skin was peeled off, exposing the most secret corner of his heart.

Slowly, ever so slowly, he presses his lips against Bin’s cheek, lingering for a moment before he pulls back.

“More,” Bin giggles a little breathily, his eyes crinkling in the way that makes Dongmin melt.

He kisses his other cheek, lingering longer.

“More,” Bin’s breathing is getting faster, and so is Dongmin’s.

The next kiss lands on Bin’s nose and makes them both chuckle.

“More?” Dongmin hovers an inch above Bin’s lips, watching the other’s hazy, unfocused eyes, pupils blown wide, and his heart aches a little. Bin should be transformed this way because of love, not lust, but at the moment he is willing to take anything, any scraps he can get.

By now Bin looks like he can’t form a single coherent thought anymore.

“Yeah,” he pants, eyes half closed, and with last functioning cells of his sharp analytical brain Dongmin thinks that something is definitely off. Bin shouldn’t be like this, not after couple of pecks on the cheek.

_Oh, to hell with thinking. I have Bin in my bed and he wants to be kissed._

And with that, he dives in, into Bin’s warmth, the taste of him, the smell of him and everything in his life makes sense all of a sudden.

……………….

It’s Sanha, of course, whose scream jolts him awake.

“Ewww, gross!!! “ The maknae appears in the middle of his room for some unfathomable reason the next morning. He stops dead at the sight in front of him and flees with a squeal, leaving the door wide open.

Dongmin blinks, unfocused, until his eyes stop on Bin, still asleep, snuggled against the bare skin of his chest. The memories of last night flood his brain and make his cheeks heat up.

He wraps his arm around Bin’s shoulders and gives him a tender squeeze, as if wanting to make sure it wasn’t all a figment of his overtired imagination. 

A sound of somebody clearing his throat interrupts his dreamy thoughts. Dongmin looks up and finds Jinjin leaning against the doorframe, his expression inscrutable.

Dongmin feels his ears burn. “Hyung, I…”

Jinjin looks at them from the door and stops him with a single gesture. Dongmin’s words die on his lips and he grips Bin’s shoulder a little tighter for moral support.

Jinjin rubs his forehead in a tired gesture that makes him look much older that he is.

“Wake up Binne and get dressed. We need to talk.” 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dongmin’s heart breaks into thousand pieces without making a sound. “What are we then, Binnie?” he asks quietly. 
> 
>  
> 
> He knows this is the wrong moment to ask, bad timing to analyse their mess of a relationship, he can hear himself sounding needy and pathetic - but he can’t help himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Papillon: 
> 
> Hi! Hope you enjoy this chapter, it's not as fluffy as the first one but the characters seem to be running away with me, sorry!
> 
> ...............

Bin is beautiful when asleep. Dongmin saw him sleeping countless times but not like this; close up, being able to count every single of Bin’s eyelashes, to breathe in the smell of his hair, feeling Bin’s warm body pressed into his own, skin on skin.

He doesn’t want to wake him up, he really doesn’t, but they have no choice. It’s an early start today, they have a performance lined up for tonight and there is the matter of Jinjin wanting to talk to them, of course. 

Dongmin’s hand runs up and down Bin’s back, palm savouring the silky smoothness of the other’s skin, the warmth, their closeness. 

He rubs his nose against Bin’s scalp, “Binnie.”

No reaction. 

He can’t resist and gently pinches the soft skin of Bin’s arm, feeling him squirm a little, “Binnie, we need to get up.”

Bin sighs, slings his left leg over him and Dongmin groans in desperation. This is not helping at all.

“Five more minutes, baby,” Bin mumbles into his chest and Dongmin’s breath hitches at the endearment.

They used to call each other baby every night, back in the old dorm, before they went to sleep but it’s the way Bin was saying the word last night, again and again, that is turning his cheeks pink now.

“We need to get up now, Jinjin wants to talk to us,” he whispers, more urgently this time.

Bin finally looks up, squinting sleepily, “Then let him start, we’ll join the others in a sec.” He closes his eyes and is out again.

“You don’t understand,” Dongmin gives an exasperated sigh. “He wants to talk to - us.”

“Oh.” Bin’s eyes finally snap open and judging by the way his body stiffens, Dongmin knows the other finally got the message.

...............

Jinjin is nursing a cup of coffee, his fingers wrapped around the steaming mug, elbows resting heavily on the table. Sanha is hovering in the living room; MJ and Rocky are nowhere to be seen.

They both join him, sliding into their seats without a word.

Bin is hunched in his chair, eyes trained on the table, not meeting Jinjin’s gaze. 

Dongmin holds his head high, looking into the leader’s eyes defiantly but he hates the fact he feels nervous. Why should he be? They have done nothing wrong.

“So, you two.” Jinjin smirks a little. ‘How long has it been?”

MJ chooses this exact moment to enter the kitchen and catches the end of the question. His hair sticks in all direction and he blinks sleepily, eyeing the three of them at the table. “How long has it been what?” he asks, rubbing his eyes.

Jinjin ignores him and cocks his head, looking at Dongmin and Bin, waiting, the annoying smirk not disappearing off his face.

In that moment something in him breaks.

Perhaps it’s the sheer exhaustion from endless schedules in the last couple of months in general, the bone-deep tiredness of this morning in particular, with barely two hours of sleep under his belt; the fact he hasn’t had his coffee yet and his hands are shaking and his legs feel like jelly - or the sinking feeling that despite all that happened last night there wasn’t a single ‘I love you’ said by either of them. For his part, it was the fear of not being reciprocated; he knows that, but Bin? He still has no idea what Bin feels and in that moment, with his leader’s words being the last straw, the floodgates open and his anger, insecurity and heartbreak pour their way out and hit Jinjin squarely in the face.

“What the hell, Jinjin??” his angry words echo around the kitchen, honorifics forgotten. “Do I need to report to you now whom I share my bed with? I thought we were adults and it was nobody’s business what we did at night!”

Out of the corner of his eye he sees MJ’s hand with a coffee mug freezing halfway to his mouth, suspended mid-air like a magician’s trick, his incredulous look trained on him and Bin but he doesn’t care.

“But if you really must know, it’s been about two hours, since four o’clock this morning. You happy know??”

Bin’s fingers squeeze his arms gently, “Shhh, baby, it’s ok.”

Sanha, who has somehow materialised in the kitchen door, opens his mouth soundlessly and the big round O of his pink lips is the last thing he sees before he buries his head between his arms on the table and sobs.

A minute ticks by, with nobody making a move apart from Bin who keeps rubbing his arm silently.

Finally Jinjin speaks up,“ Minnie.” He covers Dongmin’s clenched fist with his hand.

He looks up. Hearing Jinjin saying that brings more tears to his eyes. Nobody except Bin calls him by his real name anymore. The stage persona has crept into the private life of Lee Dongmin a long time ago. Bin switches to Min or Minnie the moment the cameras are off but all other members call him Eunwoo now, and have been doing so for ages.

He doesn’t mind. He is guilty of the same, calling the others by their chosen stage names but the fact that Jinjin has used his childhood nickname right now tells him his leader wants to acknowledges the real person behind all those smiles, cheerful waves and impeccable behaviour in public; a real person with a heavy heart who just had enough this morning – and he is suddenly deeply moved by the gesture.

“Minnie, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have made fun of you guys.” Jinjin holds his hand and looks him in the eye quietly, no mockery in his gaze or voice now.

“And I didn’t want to pry. The reason me asking was that I thought - if this was going on for some time - that you both should have told me. We would have sorted the rooms differently, that’s all.”

“Oh,” Dongmin gazes at him dumbly, feeling utterly embarrassed about his outburst. He can’t form a coherent response so he says nothing at all.

“Also, sorry for Sanha barging in this morning like that. You see, I was worried. I woke up, Bin wasn’t there, you were not up like you usually are and Sanha offered to check on you.”

“Told you not to freak out.” Everybody looks up as Rocky saunters into the kitchen, hair damp from the shower, eyes sparkling with mischief. “Told you they would be together. Dude, finally; I thought you would dance around each other forever,” he gives Bin a nudge, and proceeds to pour himself a glass of milk from the fridge.

Dongmin could hug him right now.

Bin doesn’t smile back though and keeps staring forlornly at the table. Dongmin’s heart is starting to sink, the surge of warmth caused by Rocky’s words dissipating rapidly.

The silence is interrupted by Jinjin’s voice again, “The question is, what do we do now? I’m happy for you, we all are, but I don’t want you to be sneaking around to be able to have sex – “

A sudden scraping of Bin’s chair stops Jinjin in his tracks.

Bin straightens up and looks the leader in the eyes for the first time this morning, “Hyung, we didn’t, actually…” He trails off miserably and sinks back into his chair.

It is true. They didn’t have sex last night but they came dangerously close. Dongmin was the one who pulled the brakes, as it became clear Bin wasn’t capable of clear thinking anymore.

“No. Stop. Bin, don’t. I don’t want to, not like this.”

“It’s ok, baby… Don’t be scared. I… I haven’t done it either but… we’ll figure it out together."

“No, it’s not that,” he shakes his head and means it. They are not kids, he has seen some adult movies (and was forced to admit as much on national TV, no less), so did Bin, he is pretty sure, but the logistics of a sexual act is not what scares him now.

It’s the thought that after their first time, his first ever time, if Bin doesn’t feel the same, he will have to face him every day, to work and live with him and look at him, to look at Bin who will carry on as if nothing really happened.

He doesn’t want to be Bin’s friend with benefits. If he wants to retain any self respect at all, he mustn’t let them cross that one last line they haven’t crossed yet. 

It takes Dongmin a moment to untangle himself from Bin who eventually sinks back into the pillows, breathing through his nose, most likely wanting to kill him right now.

For a while, they just lay next to each other, looking at the ceiling, their brains cooling off. The silence is heavy with words that should be said but remain unspoken.

Finally, Dongmin breaks the quiet when he can’t bear it anymore.

“I couldn’t, Binnie, I’m sorry. This - we didn’t really plan to go this far, did we?”

There is no response from Bin for a long time and Dongmin’s heart is sinking lower with every passing second.

“It’s ok.” At last, Bin reaches over and takes his hand. “It’s my fault, this was all my idea. I’m so sorry, I just wanted it so much, I don’t know what happened.” He doesn’t look him in the eye though and Dongmin has a horrible feeling that somewhere along the lines something went very, very wrong.

_Tell me you love me and that’s why it happened. Tell me that’s why you wanted it, that’s why you wanted me. Please. ___

____

He longs for the words, he waits for them but they never come.

____

“You are my best friend, you know that?” still not looking at him, Bin kisses his fingers and presses Dongmin’s palm against his cheek, eyes falling shut already.

____

_Look at me. Please, look at me. _“I know.”__

______ _ _

Much later, with Bin’s even breathing filling the dark room and his body pressed against his side, Dongmin tells himself to shut up and be happy with what he’s got. 

______ _ _

...............

______ _ _

Jinjin rubs his forehead again, the effort to keep it together being a little more visible this time, “It’s ok guys, I don’t want to know. But if you’re together now…”

______ _ _

“We are not,” mumbles Bin, not looking up. His pained voice fills the dead silence in the room.

______ _ _

Dongmin’s heart breaks into thousand pieces without making a sound. “What are we then, Binnie?” he asks quietly.

______ _ _

He knows this is the wrong moment to ask, bad timing to analyse their mess of a relationship, he can hear himself sounding needy and pathetic - but he can’t help himself.

______ _ _

“I thought we had something,” he whispers, more to himself than to Bin, but to his shock, Bin suddenly turns to face him and his eyes are filled with cold hatred and – amazingly – pain.

______ _ _

“What? YOU thought we had something? I can’t believe it!” His voice is quiet but dripping with sarcasm, every word a crack of a whip. “You tell me what it is then. You tell me what we are, after you rejected me and made me your halfway-fuck-buddy!!”

______ _ _

Dongmin thinks he’s going to faint. Bin’s mental somersault from a cuddly puppy not five minutes ago to this cold-bloodied fury in front of him makes his head spin. He hates him, God help him, he hates this boy.

______ _ _

“Well, that’s fine with me!” he shouts in Bin’s face, “because I sure as hell don’t want to be your fuck-all-the-way-buddy!”

______ _ _

Sanha gasps.

______ _ _

“Sanha, you might want to cover your ears,” deadpans MJ.

______ _ _

“I’m not a kid, I’ve heard the word once or twice, you know,” grumbles the maknae but Dongmin sees the kid is white, eyes darting from him to Bin and back.

______ _ _

“Don’t bother, I think we’re done here,” Dongmin swallows the tears that are forming a solid lump in his throat, walks out of the kitchen, into his bedroom and slams the door so hard it almost falls off its hinges.

______ _ _

“Jesus fuck-buddy Christ,” says Rocky, his mouth hanging open.

______ _ _

...............

______ _ _

Dongmin lies face down on the bed, stream of tears soaking the pillow, wanting to die. Never in his life has he felt this mortified.

______ _ _

To see Bin furious because he dared to say no – he doesn’t even know how to describe the utter chaos that takes place in his heart right now. The humiliation, the heartbreak, the searing rage, it’s all there. What’s worse, Bin somehow managed to make him feel dirty, although he has no idea how and why precisely.

______ _ _

The saddest part is him now knowing exactly how Bin feels.

______ _ _

To wake up this morning with hope – not much, admittedly, but hope nevertheless – and having it crushed like this, Bin spelling it out loud and clear in front of everybody; he wants to burry himself in the ground and never face anybody, any human being, ever again.

______ _ _

_We are not together._

______ _ _

_How much clearer does one need to get? ___

________ _ _ _ _

There is a faint knock on the door. “Leave me alone!”

________ _ _ _ _

Whoever is behind the door is either very persistent or deaf because the knocking continues.

________ _ _ _ _

“Go away.”

________ _ _ _ _

The door opens and Dongmin looks up, sharp words at the ready, only to stop after seeing Bin eyeing him anxiously from the door. “Minnie?”

________ _ _ _ _

“Go to hell, Bin.”

________ _ _ _ _

Bin ignores him and kneels down right by his head, “I’m so sorry Minnie, I’m so, so sorry.” He strokes his back but Dongmin shrugs off his hand and turns to face the wall, pulling both knees to his chest, making himself as small as possible.

________ _ _ _ _

“Please, look at me.” Bin voice is thick with tears all of a sudden. “Can you forgive me? I shouldn’t have said what I said. I was awful. Just because you said no yesterday, I shouldn’t have turned into a complete asshole. You were probably right anyway, we shouldn’t…”

________ _ _ _ _

“We shouldn’t what?” Dongmin sits up so abruptly, it makes Bin flinch. “Shouldn’t have done what we did? You want to say all of last night was a mistake?” He needs to hear it, he needs to hear it from Bin now and have it done and over with.

________ _ _ _ _

“No.” whispers Bin, eyes brimming with tears, ready to spill, “I meant we shouldn’t do it without talking first. Talking about - us.”

________ _ _ _ _

“I don’t think I want to talk to you right now.”

________ _ _ _ _

“Please.”

________ _ _ _ _

“Leave me alone, Binnie.”

________ _ _ _ _

MJ’s head appears in the door. Dongmin can tell MJ’s is dying of curiosity but refrains from lingering, “We need to get ready, guys. The car is here in five minutes.” And off he goes, leaving the door open.

________ _ _ _ _

Bin gets the hint and stands up.

________ _ _ _ _

“I’ll wait, Minnie. I’ll wait and when you’re ready, we talk, ok? Please? However long it takes, I’ll wait.”

________ _ _ _ _

A wave of tiredness washes over Dongmin and he doesn’t have the strength to fight Bin anymore.

________ _ _ _ _

“Ok, whatever.”

________ _ _ _ _

Bin crouches down and touches his shoulder but Dongmin shrinks away from him. After an endless silence ticking by, Bin gets up and leaves, his footsteps those of an old and defeated man.

________ _ _ _ _

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

_It is astonishing how you can carry on, move on autopilot, talk and smile, with blood seeping from your heart, tiny droplets on the ground lining your life, invisible to anyone but you._

__

_Invisibility doesn’t render the pain less real, thinks Bin. But it’s ok. Pain is good._

__

_I don’t deserve anything else._

 

………………

 

Dongmin is sitting in front of a big mirror, getting ready for stage. Kim Jaeun, one of the make up artists, is adding finishing touches to his eye shadows. She is his favourite, a maternal, middle-aged lady who has been with them since they debuted and treats all the boys like her sons. Her smile reminds Dongmin of his mum.

“I think I will need something for this,” he mumbles quietly and pulls his white T-shirt a little to the side.

Jaeun doesn’t comment; she simply turns to pick up one of her many magic pots and sets to cover a purple bruise in the crook of Dongmin neck.

Couple of minutes later, she steps back and admires her handiwork.

“There. An extra layer of foundation, one can hardly see it. Don’t touch it with the towel when you’re wiping your face, you will rub it off. Towards the end the make up will probably come off with sweat anyway but there is nothing I can do about that, I’m afraid.”

“Thank you,” whispers Dongmin, not daring to look her in the eye.

“No problem, sweetie,” she rubs his back gently and, to his astonishment, gives him a tiny wink, “I hope it was worth it.” And with a cheeky smile she is gone, calling Sanha to be next.

Dongmin feels the blood rushing to his face.

 

……

 

The performance in the evening is almost a relief. They know the dances by heart, they could dance with their eyes closed; the familiarity is a blessing to Dongmin whose mind is preoccupied with nothing and everything. He can feel Bin glancing at him; it’s almost too easy to return his smiles in front of the audience, to pretend nothing ever happened. 

But when his favourite part comes, it’s somehow not his favourite at all tonight.

It’s the moment he blows a kiss to Sanha in Crazy, Sexy, Cool. Not because of the kiss, he couldn’t care less about their maknae in that moment. It’s because he can stop moving for a second and look at Bin. 

Being still and not dancing is not the main part of it but it is a bonus. Dongmin feels the other members would probably murder him if he let on that he doesn’t like dancing that much. Not anymore. He used to love it before, when he wasn’t a trainee, when he thought – ignorance is bliss – that his dancing skills were ok; the second a good song was on, he would feel his body move with the beat.

He doesn’t feel the thrill anymore. When the boys are having a break in the dance studio and put random music on, he sees them glide effortlessly, at one with the rhythm, and they look so beautiful, especially Rocky and Bin, that he feels like crying. He usually pretends he is busy with something else and hardly joins them anymore. He knows he is not that good and it’s embarrassing.

It’s not that he is bad. For an average person, he would be just fine. For an idol, he is not, not really.

Hong Miyeon, their dance coach does the best she can. “Come on, Dongmin, watch your arms. They need to be sharper. See, that moment when you stretch them - like this,” she demonstrates, her arm movement precise and beautiful like that of a ballerina, “you need to extend more. Pretend you want to make them longer, make your fingers longer. Give it 110%. If your arms feel like you are giving it one hundred per cent, it’s not enough; it’s probably eighty. It almost needs to hurt. And when you reach the point of maximum stretch, it needs to be dead on beat and that’s it. No more. Sharp. If the arms linger or flap, it looks sloppy. And watch your neck and shoulders, for goodness sake. Don’t lift your shoulders, keep them down.”

He tries but it’s no use. His dancing skills are improving, he knows that, but the progress is slow and any joy at all almost gone. The only saving grace for Dongmin is his musicality. I might look like a moron on stage, he thinks stubbornly, but I am never out of sync; and because of his good memory, he can keep up with the steps.

He still enjoys performing though, the thrill of being together on stage with the other members, to see their fans cheering them on. If he could play piano on stage instead of dancing, life would be perfect.

Today his favourite moment hurts. He can’t look at Bin, he simply cannot. Once on stage, the routine is comforting, it’s so easy to smile and carry on, but this particular spot in the choreography always used to be their moment. Their secret moment. The way Bin’s eyes would follow him as he was weaving his way around the others to Sanha, Dongmin not quite able to see it but feeling it nevertheless. How their eyes would meet when he came to a halt, Bin giving him the softest smile ever. He loved to make Bin laugh, like that time when he gave Sanha a butt bump, instead of blowing him a kiss. The way Bin giggled was sneaking into his dreams for a week afterwards.

Today Dongmin keeps his eyes down.

 

……………

 

The moment they’re backstage, he finds a corner furthest from Bin and packs his bag quickly. He is the first one in the car, choosing the front seat next to their manager. Back in the dorm he heads straight for his room. In the safety of his bed, he can curl up in a tight ball and succumb to panic. He knows him and Bin need to talk but he is not sure he wants to. The anger is dissipating slowly by now but in its place there is bitterness.

How on Earth did we end up in this mess? Why did I say yes to the whole stupid idea? Now Bin has probably guessed how I feel and if we talk, he will most likely just try to let me down gently and nothing will ever be the same. If I only had had more common sense, we could have carried on the way we were and everything would have been fine. Why? 

You know why, his inner voice whispers. You wanted it. You said yes. With his eyes closed, he sees Bin’s hungry look, feels his hungry hands, and the desire in the very bottom of his stomach almost shocks him. You should forgive him, his inner voice whispers, maybe you two can make it work. 

But he also remembers the long and hard silence after his no and Bin’s cold, furious look this morning, and something sours in him.

Dongmin’s anger doesn’t flare up again; it solidifies into a frozen and heartless substance instead.

 

………….

 

The next day passes in a blur. The dance studio is booked for a whole-day practice; they are perfecting their new choreography for the July comeback. It’s easy not to think too much when one’s muscles ache and lungs burn. Dongmin welcomes the pain because it makes him forget.

During practice both of them try their best to ignore each other. Or rather, Dongmin is ignoring Bin who is ignoring everyone else, keeping to himself the whole time, only coming to live when fully immersed in the music.

Training finishes at midnight. Everyone sinks to the floor, exhausted but strangely elated.

“It will be so great!” Rocky stretches on the floor, breathing heavily, a content grin on his face. Nobody bothers to respond, only MJ fist-pumps the air.

“Let’s go,” Jinjin starts ushering everybody through the door. Sanha is the first one to leave, tripping over his own feet with fatigue. 

“I think I’ll stay here for a while. Want to go through that one bit I keep getting wrong.” Bin is wiping sweat off his neck, leaning against the mirror. His eyes don’t meet Jinjin’s but Dongmin can tell their leader is too exhausted to question Bin’s real motive. He tosses a bunch of keys across the room to Bin. They clatter on the floor, not quite reaching their target.

“Don’t be too long.” Jinjin gives a short salute and leaves. His footsteps echo in the empty corridor. 

Dongmin walks past Bin, ignoring the dark, desperate eyes that are following him all the way to the door. As he bends down to pick up his bag from the heap of their training gear on the floor, he can’t help but glance at Bin one more time.

His eyes are still on him. Pleading. Begging. 

Dongmin turns to leave.

“Hyung.” Rocky’s voice almost makes Dongmin jump; he completely forgot he was still there. “I think I stay with Bin-hyung.”

“Fine. I’ll let Jinjin know.” As he leaves the studio, Bin’s eyes not leaving him for a second, Dongmin has an uncomfortable feeling as if he just kicked a stray dog. 

 

…………..

 

He is half asleep already when the bedroom door opens and Rocky sticks his head in.

“Eunwoo-hyung, are you awake?”

The temptation to pretend to be asleep is definitely there - and he considers it for a second - but in the end he doesn’t. It’s not rocket science to guess Rocky is here because of Bin, but he is only a messenger in this mess and Dongmin doesn’t want to shoot the messenger, or ignore him for that matter; he is not that kind of a guy.

“Yeah, I’m awake, what is it?”

Rocky closes the door behind him and elects to perch on Dongmin’s desk. The fact that he chooses to sit as far away from him as possible doesn’t escape Dongmin and he scrambles up in his bed. Rocky towering above him gives the younger boy a field advantage somehow and Dongmin has a distinctive feeling that this is not going to be a pleasant chat.

“You and Bin-hyung need to talk,” Rocky starts without a preamble, his stare intense and uncomfortable.

Dongmin can sense the irritation rising in him. “I appreciate that but I don’t think it’s any of your business.”

Rocky smiles the tiniest of smiles. “It is, actually. He is my friend.” He doesn’t mention Dongmin and the omission hurts. He knows Rocky must be angry with him; it’s not a secret that the younger boy would side with Bin if he was forced to pick sides. 

“What if I don’t want to talk to him?” The words come out snappier than he intended and he regrets it instantly. _Don’t shoot the messenger. He only wants to help._

“Then I would say you should stop feeling sorry for yourself and just do it.”

He bristles at Rocky’s words. “Why should I? He behaved like an asshole!”

“I know. And he apologised.”

“How do you know?”

“Because he told me.”

Dongmin’s increasing anger must be showing on his face because Rocky’s tone softens a little. “Look, I know he behaved like a complete idiot and I don’t blame you for being angry. But I really think you should give him a chance.

“Why?”

“Because you’re hurting him and you’re hurting yourself. You both ignoring each other and sulking is not helping anyone.” Rocky’s voice is blunt and it annoys Dongmin no end that it’s him, Lee Dongmin, two years his senior, who is behaving like a dongsaeng in this conversation, not Rocky.

“Wow, so concerned for my well-being,” he mumbles to himself.

Rocky chooses to ignore the jibe and simply stares. Dongmin finds himself crumbling under his unmoving glance.

“And what about Bin? He might not want to talk to me either.”

“As far as I know he told you he would wait until you are ready. He wants to talk to you, trust me,” comes an instant response, Rocky’s voice as cool as a cucumber.

The younger boy suddenly slides off the desk and crosses the room to sit next to him on the bed. He wraps his arm around Dongmin’s shoulders.

“For all your supposed intelligence, hyung, you act like a three-year old sometimes. You should just go and talk to him.”

“What if I don’t want to?” whispers Dongmin, although he senses he is running out of excuses pretty fast.

“Then I would get pretty pissed. You are his best friend. Does he not deserve one talk? He was always there for you.”

“And? So was everybody else, we were all there for each other, we still are.”

“My God, you have no clue, do you?” Rocky’s voice sounds as if he finally reached the bottom of his supply of patience.

“About what?” Dongmin frowns, eyebrows knitted in confusion.

The other pauses, as if contemplating how to phrase his next words. In the end, he just delivers the bombshell in his usual matter-of–fact manner.

“He loves you, you idiot. He has loved you for years.”

Dongmin’s breath catches. “How do YOU know?”

“Because I have known him for a bit longer than you.” Rocky’s tone is patient, as if speaking to a child. “He used to be my best friend. Then you came along and I suddenly had to resume a new role – the third wheel of Binu.” Dongmin feels himself going red but Rocky only chuckles good-naturedly. “I didn’t mind. I wanted him to be happy because I love him.”

Dongmin opens his mouth in astonishment. 

_Another confession?_

“Hyung,“ Rocky rolls his eyes, “not like _that._ That’s _your_ area of expertise.”

Dongmin’s his ears are catching fire. ”How do you know, anyway? Did he tell you something?”

“Hyung,” Rocky snorts in disbelief. “Do we look like we exchange sweet secrets every night? Of course he didn’t tell me. But I know him. It’s the way he looks at you when he thinks nobody is watching. How he talks about you during almost every interview we give, how he looks like a lost puppy every time you both have argued and you are ignoring him. How he cuddles you when you both watch movies together. Oh my God, this is so embarrassing, do I really need to carry on?”

“So please,” Rocky clasps his hands in overdramatic supplication, “Please. Get off your ass and go. Talk to him.”

Dongmin starts hyperventilating, as the news sink in. Bin loves him.

_Bin loves him._

It takes a moment for Dongmin to gather his bearings – and his breath. Head buried in his hands, he waits for the world to stop spinning.

Rocky places a careful hand on his back. “Hyung, are you ok?”

“Yeah,” he pants, “just give me a second.”

Gradually, the overwhelming sense of panic passes. Dongmin straightens up and looks him in the eye. “Thank you.”

Rocky smiles, his first genuine smile since entering the room, the dimple in his left cheek making him look much softer all of a sudden.

“Where is he?”

“You know the little playground around the corner? He is there. Said he wanted to think.”

The picture of Bin sitting alone on a bench in the dark makes Dongmin’s heart hurt.

He stands up and grabs a hoodie from the foot of his bed.” I’m going to talk to him. Thank you, Rocky.”

As he reaches for the door handle, Rocky’s thoughtful voice stops him mid-stride.

“You know… if you hurt him… I swear I will wring that pretty neck of yours. I don’t care if I destroy the future of Astro by killing our visual, I will do it. Do you understand me… hyung?”

Dongmin turns around and shudders a little. He knows Rocky is joking but the way the younger boy is looking at him with no expression whatsoever makes him think, just a little, that he might not be.

“I won’t hurt him. I swear.”

 

……………

 

He rounds the corner, running, the dark playground right in from of him across the street. As he crosses the road, his eyes are scanning the surroundings but there is no Bin in sight anywhere. Cold panic grips his heart all of a sudden; he can feel himself breaking into a sweat. It’s 1:30 am. What if something happened to him? What if he got mugged?

The little metal gate screeches as he pushes it open. He keeps looking around. Nothing. All the benches he can see are empty.

Maybe Bin is at home already, he thinks, maybe they simply missed each other. He reaches into his back pocket and realises with horror he left his phone back at the dorm. Listening to his own raggedy breathing, trying to quell the panic that’s spreading through his body, he pauses for a moment. With only remnants of his mind functioning at a normal level, he tries to remind himself he needs to stop panicking and start thinking clearly.

But clarity of thoughts is hard to come by at 1:30am.

Ok, time to check the playground first, he thinks. No use going back without making absolutely sure Bin is not here.

His eyes are desperately trying to penetrate all dark corners; he looks behind every bush, working systematically, metre after metre.

He has almost given up when he spies a dark shape behind the very last bench, right at the back. 

Bin.

Sitting on the ground, hugging his knees. Rocking back and forth.

He comes closer and crouches down carefully, “Binnie?”

Bin lifts his head and Dongmin freezes. 

Bin’s face, his beautiful face, is red and swollen from crying, tears forming tiny rivulets through the dirt on his cheeks and staining his shirt.

He can see that Bin is looking at him but not really looking at him, he is seeing right through him and peering into an abyss of his own personal hell of some kind and suddenly Dongmin is genuinely scared for him.

He can see now that anything that happened between them in the last couple of days, that he considered hurtful, is nothing compared to this unknown dark thing that’s rearing its ugly head in front of him.

He touches Bin’s shoulder gently, “Binnie, what happened?" He doesn’t ask whether Bin is ok because clearly he is not.

“I was so stupid. So stupid to think you could ever love me.” Bin’s not looking at him and his words are so quiet he almost misses them.

The sudden confession feels like a punch in the face. It should be a punch of a good kind but somehow Dongmin feels it will be overshadowed by something else that will follow and whatever it is that’s coming, it’s not going to be the good kind.

“Nobody will ever love me.”

Bin’s hands are destroying the grass, ripping and tearing at the small tufts next to his feet.

“He said it was all my fault. He said I was a dirty little tease. And that a tease should be fucked, not loved. And you didn’t even want to do that. You didn’t… How could I think you would ever love me, Minnie?”

_Good God._

”Who said that to you? Binnie? Binnie? You listening?”

Bin wipes at the fresh stream of tears with dirty hands, smudging more soil onto his cheeks.

As gently as he can, Dongmin cleans Bin’s face with his sleeve.“Let’s get you home first, ok?”

He pulls him up, wrapping his arm around Bin’s shoulders. It’s scary how blindly Bin is following, as if he was in a trance.

For couple of minutes, they walk quietly. The silence before the storm. Dongmin is relieved he can’t see Bin’s face when he finally asks the question he is dreading to hear the answer to.

“Binnie?” He can hear his voice shaking, faltering, he has no idea how to phrase it, but gets on with it; he has to. 

“What… I mean, what happened today? Did something… happened to you? Something bad?”

“No.” Bin is looking at his feet, letting himself being led like a puppet. “No.”

Dongmin’s legs start shaking from relief.

“Not… today.”

 

_Oh no._

 

_Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no._

_Oh Binnie._

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> _"For those with no voice."_
> 
>   

Back at the dorm, Dongmin tries to open the door as soundlessly as possible. No need to face anybody with Bin in the state he is in. He needs to find out what happened first.

He pushes Bin into his bedroom, closes the door behind them and sits him on the edge of the bed. “Binnie? “ He crouches down in front of him and takes both of his hands in his own.

“Yeah?” Bin’s voice is so quiet, he can barely hear him. He doesn’t look Dongmin in the eyes.

“Binnie, I’m going to make us some tea first, alright?"

Bin gives him a tiny nod, his eyes still averted.

Dongmin has found a wet flannel in the bathroom, slung it over his shoulder and is now throwing teabags in two mugs at a lightening speed, trying to get back as quickly as he can, without waking anybody. But no such luck. As he is ready to pick up the drinks and tiptoe back, the door to the main bedroom opens. Rocky’s face appears, the unspoken question in his eyes.

“I found him,” Dongmin is making his way back to his room, super aware of Bin sitting alone in the dark, with whatever horrors are competing for supremacy inside his head, and prays for a speedy conclusion to any conversation Rocky wants to start.

“You guys figured it out?” Rocky’s eyes are worried.

“Working on it,” Dongmin lifts the mugs a little, giving him as reassuring a smile as he can muster.

“Just don’t hurt him, promise? He’s been through a lot.”

“I know.”

“No, I don’t think you do, actually.” Rocky’s eyes meet Dongmin’s and he knows it’s a test.

“I think I do know.” Not a word more is spoken but reading the younger boy’s eyes Dongmin knows he has passed. Rocky gives him a shy nod and disappears behind the bedroom door.

When he comes back, he finds Bin sitting in the corner of the bed, curled into a tight ball.

Dongmin sets the drinks on the bedside table and turns on the night lamp. The steam rising from the mugs swirls in the dim light, beautiful patterns dancing their way up towards the ceiling.

He sits down in front of Bin and cups his cheek. “Binnie?” He takes the face cloth and starts wiping the tears and dirt from his face with featherlike strokes.

Bin eyes flick to meet his but he lowers his gaze immediately and Dongmin sees new tears escaping from underneath his eyelashes. He doesn’t protest though and Dongmin carries on in silence, wiping away the smudges, tears and heartbreak from Bin’s face.

By the time he moved onto to Bin’s hands, one finger at a time, then palms, Bin has stopped crying and tension seemed to have left his body. He is leaning against the wall, eyes closed, his breathing almost back to normal.

Dongmin tosses the cloth on the floor and hands Bin the mug. They sit quietly for a while, sipping Dongmin’s favourite “Sweet Dreams” herbal tea.

From time to time, Dongmin glances sideways. Bin hasn’t moved an inch, bar the occasional sip from his mug, his eyes fixed on the wall in front of him.

Dongmin doesn’t know what to say. He is ashamed of how utterly he misread Bin in the last couple of days. 

We both felt exactly the same, he thinks with astonishment, we were both in love and scared. Scared not to be loved back.

_How quick was I to judge, how petty and self-centred to wallow in my own misery, without giving him a chance to talk to me, to explain._

Hindsight is a beautiful thing.

We love each other, Dongmin thinks. We love each other. Two days ago this would have been all it mattered, even an hour ago.

Right now it’s just a footnote to something much more ominous that is filling the space around them, too big and menacing for his little room, and he has no idea how to tackle it.

I should be saying to Bin how much I love him right now. Instead I am terrified where this conversation will lead us.

“I’m sorry.” Bin quiet voice interrupts the silence so suddenly it almost makes Dongmin jump.

“What for?” He is confused but relieved at the same time, relieved to hear Bin talking. His silence was beginning to scare him.

“Sorry for being awful to you, you know, yesterday, when you didn’t want us to… You were right. I’m no good for you. Trust me, you don’t want to love me. I just thought that night that I could pretend to be with you. I wanted it so much. I wanted you so much. Just for one night.”

The love in his voice is so real, so tangible, that Dongmin doesn’t need any declaration of it.

“You can have me any time you want,” he whispers, blushing a little as the meaning of what he has said hits him.

The innuendo doesn’t even register on Bin’s radar. His voice is bitter. “You are only saying it now. It’s for the best that you said no; I figured you must have sensed it somehow, you know, how dirty I am. You don’t know me, not the real me.”

Dongmin flinches, horrified, and almost scalds himself with his tea, “Binnie, don’t say that! I know you, you’re my best friend!”

“No, you don’t. I lied to you.”

“What are you talking about?” There is a note of cautiousness in Dongmin’s voice.

“About the kiss. The girl, she wasn’t the only one I have ever kissed. I kissed someone else, after her.”

“Binnie, it’s ok, I don’t mind. You’re free to kiss anybody you want.” The words pierce through his heart; he does mind, he minds a lot but this is not about him right now.

“But I didn’t want to.”

“What?”

“I didn’t want to kiss him.” There is so much pain in Bin’s words, Dongmin subconsciously reaches for Bin’s arm and grips it tight. There is also something else, something akin to loathing in his voice which makes Dongmin’s stomach contract with cold fear.

“It started back when I was a trainee, just before you got signed up. But I didn’t like it; he was disgusting. It’s just, he kept following me around every time we met, cornering me…. oh, I can’t do this!”

Bin’s fingers are gripping his mug so hard that Dongmin can see his knuckles turning white. For a split of a second he looks like he is going to hurl his tea against the wall and Dongmin quickly takes it out of his hands. The mugs make a clanking sound as he puts them hurriedly on the bedside table and some of the tea slops out onto the pale wood but Bin doesn’t even look up; his mind is somewhere else completely.

“Then you joined. You were so beautiful. I think I fell in love the moment I saw you coming through the door for the first time. I wanted to be with you. But you would have never loved me, you would have been horrified if I told you who I really was. I wanted you, I didn’t want him, I hated how dirty he always made me feel. I really tried to avoid him but he just wouldn’t let go. Every time we bumped into each other, he was going on about how cute I was, forever draping his arm over my shoulders, trying to act like a big brother, telling me how he came to see his two lovely boys, giving me all sorts of useless advice about my dancing, he was beyond creepy. He was forever touching me everywhere, I couldn’t stand it. I always tried to wriggle out of any conversation with him as quickly as I could but it wasn’t always easy, I couldn’t be downright rude, he was so much older than me and we were told to be polite to-”

Bin stops mid-sentence, as if he realised he said too much, a horrified look in his eyes.

“How old was he?” He holds his breath, afraid of what's coming.

“I don’t know,’ Bin shrugs, pulling his knees closer to his chest, “40-ish?”

Dongmin feels bile rising in his throat.

The mental image of a baby-faced Bin fighting off a 40-year old sleaze bag makes him want to throw up.

“Jesus, Binnie.” The room starts spinning with him and it costs Dongmin all his willpower to pull himself together.

_Get a grip. This is not about you._

“Did he ever… hurt you?” he strokes Bin’s arm gently.

“No, nothing… serious… ever happened,” Bin reassures him hastily, almost too fast, but Dongmin doesn’t question anything Bin is saying right now; it is too much to process.

“Our dance coach finally caught him, just before we debuted. He had me cornered somewhere backstage, shoving his tongue down my throat, with his hands all over me; coach Shin went ballistic. After that, I was never left alone with him. I think they had some unfinished business between them; they really despised each other. That helped a lot I guess. Coach Shin spoke to our manager about it and somebody must have had a word with him because he never bothered me again.

He wasn’t one of the employees anyway, he was a freelance scout and much later I heard there were other complaints against him. I think I might have been the last straw, after that he stopped working for the agency.”

The fact that Bin mentions all of this so casually makes Dongmin want to kill.

“What if our coach hadn’t done anything though? What if they had been best buddies? ” whispers Dongmin.

“They weren’t and he did, ok?”

“Did you ever talked about it to anybody?”

Bin shakes his head a little. “There was a counsellor; they sent her to talk to me but I didn’t want to. Talking about it would have made it, I don’t know, more real? I didn’t want to make it more real than it already was,” Bin is rubbing his upper arms as if he was suddenly cold.

“What about the members?”

“No. Rocky guessed, I think, he sort of hinted at it couple of times but I just couldn’t bring myself to talk about it. I was too ashamed and when it ended I was just relieved it was finally over.”

“Hang on,” Dongmin struggles to reconcile everything he has heard, it feels like an aftermath of an earthquake in his head, “you said it started just before I joined and went on until our debut – Binnie, that’s three years!” Dongmin can hear panic in his own voice as he fights another wave of nausea.

_Three years. Three years._

“I know, I know, shh. It wasn’t that bad. There were months where I didn’t see him at all, he wasn’t around that often. It’s not as bad as it sounds.”

“Oh my God,” Dongmin buries his head in his hands and groans. “Show me his face and I will kill him. I will kill him with my bare hands. I swear I will kill him.”

He turns to Bin. “Binnie, you could have told … me.”

“No.” Bin shakes his head furiously. “Can’t you see why? You are freaking out now; how badly would you have freaked out back then? You were so pure, so squeaky clean; you would have run for the hills from me. I couldn’t bear to… to lose you.” Bin hangs his head, his voice so quiet Dongmin can barely hear him.

“I wouldn’t have run. It wasn’t your fault, you are not a wrinkly old pervert. I would never run away from you.”

“It doesn’t matter. Back then you didn’t need a fellow trainee with massive issues at your heels.” Bin’s voice carries a quiet resignation in it, born of many nights when he had to fight his demons alone. “You needed a friend who would look out for you. You were so… new. You needed help more than me.”

Bin might be one year younger that him, with a voice of a 14-year old boy, but the weariness he shows suddenly makes him seem frighteningly old in Dongmin’s eyes. Maybe it’s the sleaze bag legacy, thinks Dongmin; he rubbed off a lot of young Bin’s innocence and naivety, or the years of having to fend for himself as a trainee, he doesn’t know, but the revelation feels like someone took a blind off his eyes.

It’s almost funny how easy it is for Dongmin to connect all the dots now. How Bin was always around when they were attending events in their early days, by his side at all times when navigating the social maze of post-performance mingling, not letting the beautiful and naïve visual out of his eyesight for a second.

Now everything suddenly makes much more frightening sense; how Bin was always draped over him during those nights, holding his hand, dragging Dongmin everywhere with him, whispering into his ear who is who and whom to avoid, like his very own PA. On the surface it was all cute and seen as perfect fan service, two beautiful young boys with clean, innocent image joined at the hip, all bright eyes and lithe bodies; polar opposites of each other, one excitable puppy with a giggly laugh, full of energy like quicksilver, the other an ethereal creature gliding through space like a dark haired angel. They were a perfect advert for their agency, no wonder they let us be, thinks Dongmin, and never tried to separate us, there was no need to, they exuded an air of pure youth, untouched by any evil.

And at the same time, under the surface, in the murky waters of reality, anxious Bin, shamelessly milking their popularity as the Soap Couple to be able to stick to him like glue, to protect him, to shield him from everything he himself and many other idols had to go through.

“How long did you have to babysit me?”

Bin stares at him but Dongmin doesn’t look back. “You know what I mean, don’t pretend you have no idea what I’m talking about.”

“Not long,” Bin shrugs awkwardly, smiling a little, “you learned fast.”

Dongmin sighs, leaning against the wall and letting his muscles relax. His wole body feels cold and shivery. He carefully pulls Bin closer to him, until he is snuggled against his chest.

“I’m so tired,” mumbles Bin into his shirt, “so tired.”

He is kissing Bin’s hair, holding him close, feeling the other exhaling and letting go. Dongmin’s own eyes are falling, his body going into a shutdown, we can talk tomorrow, he thinks. The pillows look inviting, he lets himself sink into them, pulling Bin with him.

Minutes pass. Dongmin’s headspace feels like a bombsite; his thoughts are scattered, messy, screaming; it’s too much.

 _We should sleep, he thinks, we really need to sleep now._

_We'll talk tomorrow._

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Now I'm not looking for absolution_   
>  _Forgiveness for the things I do_   
>  _But before you come to any conclusions_   
>  _Try walking in my shoes_
> 
>  
> 
> _(Depeche Mode, “Walking In My Shoes”)_
> 
>  
> 
>  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a difficult topic so this chapter is probably the most heavy, sorry. There will be happiness in the epilogue though, I promise!
> 
> ...............
> 
>  

Dongmin is staring at the ceiling. Despite his exhaustion, he can’t fall asleep. His whole body is screaming at him to let go but his brain is working on overdrive.

Bin is draped over him. He can feel his body growing heavy, his breathing getting lower and deeper, the grip of Bin’s hand on his arm loosening.

Dongmin knows he should try to get some sleep too but he can’t.

Every time he starts losing himself in the pleasant semi-consciousness that precludes sleep, an image of Bin being pinned against a wall by a faceless stranger threatens to choke him, threatens to kill any beautiful and good thought he ever had in his head.

There is also something else.

A phrase, certain words he has heard earlier grate at his memory and he is getting annoyed, panicky even, that he is not able to pinpoint what it was. Distinctive feeling that it is something important and he missed it makes him go back over and over again, combing through every word that Bin had said earlier.

Then he remembers. Like a lightning illuminating a midnight sky, he suddenly knows and the memory makes him shudder.

He sits up so abruptly that Bin slides off him and bumps his head against the wall. “Sorry, Binnie, so sorry, didn’t mean to,” he apologizes hastily but grabs Bin’s shoulders and turns his body to face him.

“He said boys, Binnie. You said he came to see his two lovely boys. Oh Christ. Who is the other boy, do you know?”

Bin looks at him mutely, an empty gaze of a person being pulled from underneath a pile of rubble in a war zone.

“Bin? Do you know who the other boy is?” He shakes him a little, “He might need our help!”

There is a long silence before Bin answers, averting his eyes. “No, he doesn’t, he is safe now.”

“How can you know, something worse might have happened to him, he might still be struggling with it. Do you know who the other boy is?”

“Nothing ever happened to him.”

“Binnie, who is he?” Bin’s eyes are frozen like those of a deer caught in the headlights but Dongmin is determined. _I’ll be damned if I let this go._

“Bin?”

“Bin??”

“It’s you.”

“What??” For a split of a second, Dongmin is suspended in the in-between state of hearing but not comprehending. Then Bin’s words him with an impact of a tornado.

_Me._

“Me?” He lets go of Bin’s arms and stares at him in utter shock. “Why me, how does he even know me? Binnie, who is …he?”

“Does it matter? You are safe.”

“It matters to me, please tell me.”

“Why do want to know?” Bin is hugging his knees, eyeing him unhappily.

“I just do. How does he know me?”

Bin pauses for a moment before sighing, resigned. “He scouted you.”

A cold shiver runs down Dongmin’s spine. He remembers. Not that the man ever behaved in any way improperly towards him, his conduct was always impeccable during the meetings with his parents, with the agency, there was nothing Dongmin could put his finger on.

But.

Dongmin remembers the unease he felt, standing in a busy school corridor with the scout’s business card in his hand after they met for the first time.

Just a feeling.

There was something in the man’s eyes that made his young self feel vulnerable, exposed, a little scared. But Dongmin had always been shy so he repressed the feeling and soon he forgot about it completely, amidst the whirlpool of events that followed.

The faceless stranger in Dongmin’s head has a face now and that makes it all more real somehow.

He jumps up and starts pacing up and down; the room feels like a cage, the walls are closing in on him.

“Do your Mum and Dad know?” He doesn’t slow down; three steps to his desk, turn, three steps back to the wall, again. If he stops he might run out of the room and do something stupid, something he might regret later.

"Are you crazy?” Bin shoots him an incredulous look. “They would have been horrified! I’m pretty sure they would have made me leave the agency, to leave you guys. I didn’t want that, “ he adds more quietly. “ Our coach and the manager were the only ones who knew. And the lady therapist. And I suppose somebody higher up because they got rid of him. That’s all.”

Dongmin stops abruptly and turns to face Bin. “You should go to the police.”

“No!” Bin scrambles up and grips Dongmin’s hands, a panicked look on his face.

“Why not? He is a monster! He might be doing it to someone else right now.”

“I know.” Bin’s whisper is full of misery. He slumps back on the bed, sitting on the very edge, head hanging low.

“Then why not do it?”

“I’m sorry. I just can’t… I don’t want to face him again. And who would believe me, anyway? I said no when they asked me last time, I wanted to but I couldn’t do it in the end. I begged everybody to let it go. The thought of seeing him again, testifying against him… I couldn’t do it. I’m sorry.”

Bin’s hands are gripping the edge of the bed. “I still have dreams about him sometimes. I really don’t want to see him ever again.”

Oh my God. Bin’s nightmares. And there is nobody to wake him up anymore. Dongmin knows Jinjin sleeps like a log; they shared a room during one of their overseas tours once.

Supressing the image of Bin waking up drenched in his own sweat in the middle of the night with nobody there to hold him, he turns to him. “Have you been having bad dreams?”

Bin shrugs, avoiding his gaze. “Maybe. I suppose it’s not that bad. Bit worse lately, perhaps. Jinjin is a very sound sleeper. Not like… you.”

“You’re sleeping here tonight.”

“No, it’s ok. I really should go. I don’t want to make it weird for you, you know, after yesterday.”

Dongmin crouches in front of Bin. “It’s not going to be weird. You are sleeping here and that’s it, ok?”

Bin shifts a little, then mumbles, more to himself than Dongmin. “Ok.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, Dongmin gets up and drops down on the bed next to Bin. “Ok.”

A random thought crosses his mind all of a sudden and he frowns, confused. “How come he never went for me?”

Bin gives him a quick sideways glance. “No idea. I know it might sound stupid but maybe you weren’t his type.”

“Maybe. Maybe I was lucky.” Dongmin is looking down at his hands, trying to process the chaos in his head.

”Yeah, I suppose you were just lucky.” Something in the speed and smoothness of Bin’s answer suddenly doesn’t add up. Sounds right, rings false. Dongmin turns to face Bin who is now eyeing him nervously.

“Bin, why did he leave me alone?” His stare is hard, unwavering, and the silence between them seems to be stretching for eternity.

Finally, Bin crumbles under his gaze. “Because I made sure he would.” The very moment his words are out, Dongmin doesn’t want to hear what’s coming. He feels like fainting; he can feel the blood draining from his head and leans his head against Bin’s shoulder for a moment.

But there is no going back now; if Bin could survive this, so must he.

“How?”

“I… I made sure I would drag you as far away from him as possible every time he as much as even glanced at you. And when it was too late I just distracted him.” Tears are starting to roll down Bin’s cheeks again.

“You did …what?”

“I would go up to him, you know, to talk to him, to get him away from you.”

_Oh my God, Binnie._

“He would make fun of me, you are so eager, he would say, such a tease, you are asking for it. He made me feel so dirty."

Dongmin doesn’t say anything; he just pulls Bin closer to him again, wrapping his arms around him, and lets the love of his life cry into his chest, “Sh, baby, it’s ok.”

_Oh Binnie, it’s not ok. None of this is ok._

It comes to him in a flash how Bin sometimes used to take forever in the shower, how everybody grumbled at him because of that and he would just shrug it off, you know how I sweat, I want to be clean, properly clean.

The long-forgotten scenes take on a wholly new significance now and Dongmin doesn’t see the broad-shouldered beautiful man crying in his arms anymore, he sees a thin, 16-year old boy instead, weeping in the shower, furiously scrubbing his skin clean in places where filthy hands touched his young body.

“Binnie, why didn’t you tell anyone?” It’s more of a rhetorical question really but the very instant he says it, he is ashamed of himself. _Why on earth am I blaming him?_

Bin doesn’t get offended at the question, he merely sighs heavily. “I was scared, I guess. I did try once, said I would tell somebody, and he just… laughed. Said nobody would believe a dirty little tease like me. Said I brought it all on myself, the way I behaved. And that I’d better shut up and be a good boy if I wanted my pretty friend to be left alone. He was clever, he must have figured out fairly quickly how I felt about you and what I was doing. He said it was a fair deal; that I could choose – you or me. I was so scared.”

Dongmin’s vision is starting to swim. He can’t move. He can’t breathe.

“So I went along with it. Anything so he would leave you alone. Towards the end he got really handsy though, I think he wanted more than kisses and couple of gropes. But I got fed up with it all by then, I couldn’t bear it anymore. It was like being trapped, suffocating. I was so angry all the time. I started working out more, to let out the anger but also to get stronger. I would dream about knocking his teeth out.”

Bin in the gym. The grim determination on his face, the endless hours he used to spend there, despite the others teasing him about it and how he wanted to impress the girls with his biceps. It all makes sense now, thinks Dongmin.

“It was during the last weeks before debut when I finally snapped. I kicked him but it only pissed him off. He said… my career as an idol… that I can kiss it goodbye. That he had some good friends high up and they would make sure I never debuted.”

Dongmin hugs him tighter and Bin leans his forehead against his chest.

“The thing is, I stopped caring at that point. I didn’t give a shit about the debut anymore and I told him that, not if the price was to…“ Bin swallows hard and Dongmin feels first tears starting to roll down his own cheeks.

“I think he was counting on me to do anything he wanted if the debut was mentioned. But I didn’t care anymore. I told him I would tell our manager. So he changed tracks. He said if I told anybody, he would… he would…” Bin’s breath is coming in quick gasps now and his voice is that of a heart-broken, desperate little boy.

“He told me what he would do to you… Don’t make me say it out loud, please. So I stopped fighting. I figured if I didn’t struggle, it would be over quickly.”

He can’t listen to this. He needs to listen to this.

“It was then that coach Shin found us. Before… before anything happened.”

Dongmin is cradling Bin in his arms and can’t find the words to make any of this better for Bin. None would be enough.

_Why did you do it, Binnie? Why? Why?_

He doesn’t need to ask aloud. He knows the answer and nothing can quite express the horror, the love and the endless guilt he feels right now.

He can feel Bin shifting uneasily, as if steeling himself for something. “Do you think it was my fault?”

The question shocks him to the core and he grabs Bin’s face in his hands, looking at him intently. “God, no!”

Bin’s eyes brimming with tears tell him he doesn’t really believe his words and he slides onto the floor, kneels in front of him and gently takes Bin’s hands in his own.

“Binnie, none of this is your fault, do you hear me, absolutely none of it. Why would you say that?

“He… he said if I am like that on stage, I shouldn’t wonder when things happen off stage. Minnie, am I a tease? What shall I do? I can’t change it, Sanha is good at aegyo, I am good at playing sexy. But that’s my job, that’s not who I am! I am a person, not somebody’s sex toy just because of how I act on stage!”

_Baby, I’m so sorry, I had no idea._

He always thought of his own beautiful face as the biggest burden, the way it made people envious, resentful or too intimidated; how it stole the attention from the other members; how it reduced him to just something pretty, without a substance, negating all his other achievements and hard work.

He always longed to be Bin instead, the charismatic dancer with fluid movements and a sultry look on stage, the one to whom all eyes were glued, not because he was the best dancer (that crown went to Rocky, although Bin followed, a very close second) but because everything about him when performing screamed sexy. He wanted that attention, the breathless girls and boys, their squeals and screams, if was about the effect Bin had on everyone.

All of a sudden he thinks of Daniel, his guide and translator from when he was filming in Germany earlier that spring. Daniel was a fan of Depeche Mode, an old English band, and made Dongmin to listen to some of their songs. It wasn’t his cup of tea but he remembers one song called ”Walking in My Shoes.”

He remembers the beginning of the song.

> _I would tell you about the things_
> 
> _they put me through_
> 
> _the pain I've been subjected to._

So this is what it feels like to be walking in your shoes, Binnie.

It’s not just the pretty girls chanting in the front row, shouting your name.

It’s also dirty middle-aged men getting off to the sight of you, groping hands in dark corners, filthy mouths calling you names, fear of being judged for something that’s not your fault, the sacrifice, the self-loathing, the loneliness, the shame.

_Oh Binnie._

In that moment Dongmin breaks down.

“I’m so sorry, Binnie, I’m sorry, for everything! What a lousy friend I was! I should have noticed! Rocky did and I didn’t. I completely failed you, I didn’t help you when you needed help, I’m so sorry!”

Bin sniffs. “No, you didn’t fail me. You had no chance, I made sure you wouldn’t notice. I didn’t want you to. I was ashamed of what you would think of me.”

“Still, it doesn’t matter, Binnie, I should have noticed. I would have gone and told him to leave you bloody alone. Or I would have killed him! It’s all my fault anyway. I’m so, so sorry! My whole stupid, pointless existence was the reason for you having to go through this all. What you did for me – I can’t even… Why did you do it? I’m not worth it at all! If it weren’t for me, he wouldn’t have any power over you at all. Me by just being me, I hurt the person I love the most. I am so sorry, Binnie!”

Dongmin crumbles in a heap and buries his face in Bin’s lap, fingers digging into the fabric of his jeans and sobbing uncontrollably.

“Love?” He feels Bin’s fingers in his hair, a shaky, butterfly touch, so soft he would almost miss it, if it wasn’t for Bin lifting his chin up gently.

Dongmin takes a deep breath, cheeks burning. He swallows the tears at the back of his throat and holds Bin’s gaze, “I love you. I’ve loved you for so long.”

‘’Do you still want me, after all this?” There is a look of incredulity on Bin’s eyes, awe, and a little bit of fear.

“I don’t care. I mean I do care,” Dongmin’s look hardens, becoming dead serious all of a sudden, “because if I ever find him, I swear I will kill him – and I will kill him slowly.” A dark note creeps into his voice as the red anger he’s been suppressing the entire evening threatens to bubble to the surface. “For every time he touched you I will make him scream.”

“Jeez, you are scaring me, Lee Dongmin.” A tiny hint of a smile crosses Bin’s face.

Dongmin ducks his head, embarrassed, “I’m so angry, Binnie, so angry about what he did to you – but to love you less because of that? I love you more. You’re the most beautiful, pure, selfless person I have ever known in my life. I don’t deserve you but please let me love you. May I love you?”

Bin doesn’t speak, he just pulls him up and there he is, kneeling between Bin’s legs, and Bin is kissing him and it’s wet with tears and maybe a little snotty but it’s like coming home after a long journey.

They fall into bed in a tangle of limbs. Dongmin twists his fingers in Bin’s hair and pulls him close; he is dying from want. Everything feels different tonight, the scent of Bin’s skin, the taste of his tongue, his hands sliding under Dongmin’s t-shirt; all of it looks like déjà vu from two days ago except it isn’t. There is no holding back anymore, no insecurity, no fear. Those two nights couldn’t be more different but when fumbling hands start unbuttoning his jeans Dongmin’s breath hitches involuntarily– and Bin freezes.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Minnie – is this too fast? Do you want me to stop?” There is worry in Bin’s voice, and tenderness so palpable that Dongmin’s heart melts at the sound of it.

His eyes snap open. Bin is hovering an inch above his lips and where before Dongmin thought he could only read lust in his eyes, now he can see so much love he could drown in it.

I don’t want to say no tonight, thinks Dongmin.

“Don’t stop.”

And with that, he dives in, into Bin’s love, and everything falls into place at last.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you think you will ever tell the others?"
> 
> Bin pauses for a moment. “One day I will probably tell Rocky. But not now. I just want to be happy now.“ He rubs his nose against Dongmin’s shoulder, “I’m so happy I could burst.”
> 
>  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some Binwoo happiness!
> 
>  

Dongmin is lying on his back, arms folded behind his head.

His best friend, lover and soul mate is lying next to him, drawing random shapes on Dongmin’s chest and stomach with his finger. He can’t see Bin’s face in the near darkness but he can feel his smile.

He watches the dark silhouette with half lidded eyes, “I love you.”

Bin fingers start tracing the lines of Dongmin’s face, “I love you more.”

Dongmin chuckles softly. His eyes are growing heavy, the featherlike strokes are sending him to sleep.

The butterfly touches on his face stop for a second. “Can we keep what I told you between us?”

Dongmin opens his eyes. He props himself on one elbow and takes Bin’s hand. “Of course. It’s not for me to tell anyone.” 

He kisses the inside of Bin’s wrist. “Do you think you will ever tell the others though?”

Bin pauses for a moment. “One day I will probably tell Rocky. But not now. I just want to be happy now.“ He rubs his nose against Dongmin’s shoulder, “I’m so happy I could burst.”

“Don’t burst,” Dongmin grins and pulls him close, “I need you in my bed tomorrow night. I have plans.”

Bin’s laugh tickles his neck. “What do you have in mind?” Dongmin can hear the smirk in his voice.

“I think you know.” He can’t help but teasing, he longs to make Bin laugh again.

“I think I know.” Bin starts kissing his neck. “We could start practising now. You know, for tomorrow.”

“Jesus, Binnie,” Dongmin pushes him off, fake indignation in his voice, “do you know what time it is?”

“Don’t care,” Bin’s giggle is warming Dongmin’s heart. “Practice makes perfect.” 

Dongmin gives in and buries his nose in the crook of Bin’s neck. He inhales the warm scent of his skin.

_Who the hell needs sleep anyway?_

……………

As down’s first grey light starts seeping through the blinds, Dongmin wakes up. Next to him Bin is tossing, elbowing him in the ribs as he turns. His breathing is coming in quick, sharp rasps, his skin is glistening with sweat; Dongmin can almost smell his fear.

He knows the drill by now. “Binnie.” He pushes the damp hair off Bin’s forehead and shakes him a little. “Binnie, wake up.”

Bin flings his arm away and curls up in a ball. He is whimpering; sad, desperate sounds that tear at Dongmin’s heart.

He rolls Bin over onto his back; he hates this part but it works every time. 

“Come on, baby, wake up,” he slaps Bin’s face, once, twice, three times, careful not to hurt him too much but hard enough to snap him out of his nightmare.

With a gasp, Bin’s eyes fly open. There is blind panic in them, desperate search for something, for somebody to hold onto.

“I am here, baby. It’s ok.” He leans over Bin and feels his eyes anchoring onto him, as if he was Bin’s harbour, his safe place. His home.

The panic in Bin’s eyes subsides and he exhales slowly, shakily. “You are here.”

“Yes, I am here,” he smiles back. His fingers reach out and trace Bin’s face, watching the other’s eyelids flutter, his body slowly going limp, a relaxed smile on his face as he succumbs to sleep once again.

……………

Bin is beautiful when asleep. Dongmin saw him sleeping countless times but only once like this; close up, being able to snuggle tightly against Bin’s back with both arms wrapped around him, the feel of Bin’s heartbeat under his hand, the taste of his skin on Dongmin’s lips.

Bin is asleep and Dongmin is guarding his dreams.

……………

The kitchen is flooded with pale morning light.

Dongmin’s hands are shaking; he can see half of the rice he is pouring into the rice cooker will probably never reach its destination. It could have something to do with the lack of sleep or with the fact that Bin has chosen to drape himself over his back and is kissing the nape of his neck right now.

“I love you,” Bin is pressing more kisses into Dongmin’s hair, his hands sliding down onto Dongmin’s hips, “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“Morning, lovebirds.”

They turn to see Rocky looking at them from the door, the warmth of his smile illuminating his face from within.

“Have you been playing dressing up in the dark?”

Behind his back Bin snorts with laughter and Dongmin looks down at his PJs; Rocky is right, his t-shirt is inside out and back to front, the label dangling under his chin. He chuckles and stretches his arms above his head, carefree; nothing can ruin the feeling of lightness filling him this morning.

That is why he yelps in shock as Bin yanks up his shirt over his head in one swift movement and runs away with it, giggling.

Dongmin whirls around and tries to grab it. “What are you doing, you idiot? Give it back!” He is trying very hard to sound angry but even he can hear he is failing miserably.

Bin is doubling over with mirth and tosses the t-shirt over to Rocky. Dongmin leaps in the air to catch it but is too late. Rocky is way too fast for him at this ungodly hour in the morning; Dongmin is also at a serious disadvantage, having to hold his PJ’s bottoms with one hand. They are his favourites, the first thing he could find this morning, an old pair with a cute minion pattern, but the elastic waist is so stretched by now from years of wear that they threaten to fall down anytime he jumps up.

“Come on,“ Bin laughs breathily, catching the t-shirt again and clutching it behind his back, “it was inside out, you can’t run around like that. You can have it back for a kiss.” Bin’s eyes are crinkled in his beaming face and Dongmin melts at the sight. He steps closer and kisses Bin on the lips, hard. To his bitter disappointment, Bin breaks away from him, throwing the t-shirt back to Rocky, a devilish grin on his face.

“I didn’t mean on the lips.”

Both Dongmin and Rocky gasp. “Moonbin, you pig! “Rocky’s voice echoes through the kitchen and he tosses the t-shirt to Bin who is killing himself laughing.

“You can really wake up the dead, with the noise you are making,” Jinjin walks into the kitchen, rubbing his head, eyes squinting sleepily. He surveys the scene in front of him.

All three stop dead, still in fits of hilarity. Jinjin suddenly grins at Dongmin in the middle. “For goodness sake, put something on, Eunwoo. To know about your sex life this early in the morning is a little too much.”

Dongmin’s jaw drops. Jinjin’s remark doesn’t make any sense; the members are used to see each other in various stages of undress but then he follows the other’s gaze down his body where his PJs are hanging dangerously low and that’s when he sees them – purple fingertip bruises blossoming on his hipbones. With a soft gasp, he swivels around to finally snatch the t-shirt from Bin’s hands and starts putting it on hastily.

When his head pokes out, his gaze is met by Bin who looks apologetic and horrified at the same time, “I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to, I really didn’t …”

“It’s ok,” he smiles softly into Bin’s eyes, “I don’t mind.” They both look at each other; Dongmin feels his cheeks burning but there is no more time to feel embarrassed as Jinjin suddenly pulls them both close and rubs their hair affectionately.

“I’m so happy for you guys, so happy. You have no idea.”

Dongmin feels as if he was drenched in warm honey; he is not used to Jinjin being so open about feelings and it feels so nice that he is suddenly on the verge of tearing up. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Rocky beaming at them and be beckons to him with his free hand. “Thank you,” he whispers into Rocky’s ear as he pulls him into a group hug. His sense of gratitude towards Rocky is overwhelming; he knows now that the slight vibe of animosity Rocky was giving off in the last couple of days was not because he disliked Dongmin, it was because he was scared for Bin and tried to protect him from heartbreak – Dongmin loves him for that. 

Rocky laughs the purest of laughs, “You guys finally made it together, I thought it would never happen. We should celebrate.”

“What are we celebrating?” MJ walks in, clearly amused at the sight of them hugging each other and laughing.

“Luurve,” Jinjin growls, “we’re celebrating new love. Come and join in.” He looks at MJ and his face beams as if he just stepped into his private sun. Dongmin, with the insight of someone who is basking in the glory of brand new happiness, recognises the look and smiles quietly to himself. _I am happy for you guys too._

……………

They all eat together, a rare sight these days when everyone is tired and some of them have their breakfast in bed to gain extra minutes of lie-in but there is a sense of elation in the air that morning and it’s almost like they all want to hold on to it for as long as possible. Everyone, it seems, except Sanha.

“You two are gross,” he grumbles as he eyes Dongmin sitting in Bin’s lap and Bin kissing Dongmin between the mouthfuls of rice they are both eating. “I can’t look at this anymore.”

“Stop watching then,” deadpans Dongmin, barely breaking the kiss and his heart soars as Bin giggles into his mouth.

“Sanha, relax,” MJ gives the maknae a pat on his back. “You will be the same when you fall in love.”

“I doubt it,” Sanha rolls his eyes dramatically. “ I will not do… stuff… where people can see me. Yuck. ”

Bin jumps up suddenly and starts pulling Dongmin towards his bedroom. 

“What are you doing?” Sanha frowns, his eyes suspicious.

“We are going to do stuff where you can’t see us.” Bin grins into Sanha’s huffy face. “Now you can be imagining it instead.”

“Oh, gross!!”

…………………..

“I’m sorry, Jinjin-hyung. This is such an inconvenience. You sure you don’t mind? It’s just… I really wanted to surprise him.”

Dongmin is leaning against the doorframe, watching Jinjin pack. His own stuff is ready, all clothed simply piled on the bed, his boxes still sealed from the move two months ago.

Dongmin wants to surprise Bin who went out to get groceries with Rocky as they’re running short on everything. He wants the room swap done before his brand new boyfriend gets back. 

“Don’t be stupid, Eunwoo. You are my favourite member right now, you know that? I’ll do anything for you.”

Dongmin laughs, a little embarrassed, and quickly picks up one of Bin’s jumpers off the floor so the older boy doesn’t trip over it as he tries to exit the room, holding two massive boxes balanced on top each other.

Jinjin gives him a little smirk as he pushes past him. “ Because of you, I have my own room now. I couldn’t love you more.”

He throws him a triumphant smile over his shoulder. “I feel like a king now. Like a king.” His laugh echoes through the apartment as he waltzes into his new kingdom.

Dongmin smiles. 

He buries his nose in the fabric he is holding and inhales the heady fragrance of Bin’s sweat, the shampoo he uses and something intangible, the essence of him, something which he cannot describe, yet loves above anything else.

He closes his eyes and gives the jumper a tiny kiss.

Finally home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a story which was painful to write but there are some stories that deserve to be told despite the pain. 
> 
> Thank you for bearing with me till the end and apologies to Binwoo for borrowing them for this!
> 
> Thank you Existential_forest, this wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for your help x
> 
>  


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